4n6 Funnies’
Annual List of
America’s Top
Universities
#1. Hamburger University
School slogan: “Vis potatoes cum illo?”
Our number one school—not to be confused with the University of Hamburg, as Wikipedia is quick to point out—is one of the few that teaches anything both useful and virtually guaranteed to result in gainful employment. Nota bene: the higher the minimum wage law in your state, the more gainful your employment will be.
Degrees in: Hamburgerology, Chickenuggetry, McMuffinism
#2. Klarence Thomas Kollege of Kriminal Knowledge
School slogan: “Accipe uxorem meam, quaeso”
Classes cover a wide variety of subjects, all of which are taught by silent professors who stare at you blankly. Sorry, no Affirmative-Action students, and students attempting to pay tuition with government loans will be shooed away at the door.
Degrees in: Originalism, Unoriginalism, Kissing Your Civil Rights Goodbye-ism, Advanced Kissing Your Civil Rights Goodbye-ism, Rising Above Your Competency-ism
#3. Harvard, Yale, Princeton, etc., but not Columbia
School slogan: “Hinc lectus sum et non fecistis”
You’re probably not going to get into any of these, so pick a reasonable safety school.
Degrees in: Everything. Play your cards right and you can stay in school until you’re 62 years old, and immediately file for social security upon obtaining your doctorate.
#4. The Pleiades
School slogan: “Septem sorores hodie, desperatae mulierculae cras”
Same as #3, only smaller, and mostly gendered.
#5 University of California, Santa Barbara
School slogan: “Party hearty” because, like, who bothers to learn Latin anymore?
It’s on the beach, it’s got the weather, they teach various stuff and whatever, if you’re interested and you’ve got some spare time on your hands. Dude, it may be #5 on our list but it’s #1 on everybody’s party school list. I mean, what are you going to college for in the first place?
Degrees in: Everything at all levels, plus surfing.
#6. College of Hard Knocks
School slogan: “Usus est mater non multum”
This is where my mother claimed she went to school. She was especially likely to make this claim when my tuition bills arrived for the coming semester. She would then go on to point out that I was delivered by caesarean section and I’ve been a trial ever since, and why did I always have to ruin everything, etc., etc., etc.
Degrees: Third, Nth, It’s raining out there put on your rubbers
#7. Disney College Program
School slogan: “In Mickus confidimus”
The second corporate college to make our list. You enter hoping to master the art of Jungle Cruise captaincy, but that’s only for the cool kids. For you there’s learning to parade in a Goofy costume with an interior temperature of 104 degrees and 99% humidity, speed vomit cleanup on the Mad Tea Party ride (“The cups must spin!”), and arranging ad hoc psychiatric support for guests who get stuck on “it’s a small world” for two hours.
#2 #18 Columbia
School slogan: “Duo sumus numero”
Wait a minute! What?
Honorable (?) Mention: Trump University
School slogan: “In mendacium est veritas”
Sadly now defunct after a $25 million settlement for fraud (cheap at twice the price), but if you’re gaga over MAGA, then this was the place for you.
Degrees in: nothing, unfortunately, but what would you expect for 3 days and $1500, and, well, Donald Trump?
